The other day I noticed Mark trying to slyly glance at a pretty girl. He always thinks he is being subtle, but he never is. Now while I am a very jealous person, we are at a place in our relationship where we realize that each of us look at the menu, but we eat our dinner at home. I asked him why he was looking at this particular girl and his reply was, "she looks sweet and innocent, why can't you be like that?"
Hmmmm, pause, crickets...Now I feel like I do not have the appearance of an ax murderer, or a skid row bum, so I was confused. I tried to let it go, but couldn't. I finally broke down today and googled "sweet and innocent". After weeding through a million porn sites, I finally found one that had an article titled, "How To Be The Sweet and Innocent Kind of Popular Girl". Okay, that sounds like a good start.
Tip #1, practice good hygiene. Yeah, that sounds easy enough. Tip #2, be sweet to everyone. Huh? What about assholes that I don't like? I skim farther down. Tip #7, never swear. Are you shitting me? How would I ever get a point across if it didn't include at least one 4 letter word?? Another tip I found at the bottom, "Always be really nice to your family no matter how much they annoy you". The author must not know my family very well, not many people could stand any of them.
I then see something something about bejewling your cellphone and not dating until you hit the 6th grade. Jeez, I found an article written for 11 year olds. Thinking back, I don't even think I was sweet and innocent when I was 11. Back then, if I found out that any girl I knew was reading articles like that, I probably would've made fun of them. I don't like girly girls. I don't like excitable girls. Never have been able to stomach cheerleaders.
I guess what it all boils down to, is I'm a realist. I can't be fake. I am what I am. I curse alot. I don't wear skirts very often. There are days that I live in my pajamas, but dammit I'm a good person. I have made a vow not to fart at the dinner table anymore, I think that's a good start down my path of pursuing sweet and innocence.
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