Identity Crisis

I am having an identity crisis, and I have the mall to thank for it. I went shopping for some new clothes recently at a large department store, name withheld. I look at the store directory to try to figure out where to go. I see the "women's" department. Yep, that's me I'm thinking. I head over there, and after checking the sizes, I see that I am mistaken. I am not a woman, which makes me feel bad to admit to myself.
Back to the directory. I see "Misses". Oh, okay, I'm married, so duh, that does make more sense. I take off in search for the perfect outfit. I'm thumbing through the racks, hmmm, polyester pants, sweater sets, embroidered t-shirts. Wait a minute! I'm not a grandmother! So even though I am technically "Mrs. Denney", clotheswise, I am no "miss".
Fast foward to me standing in front of the directory again, scratching my head. I see a "Petite" department. Well, I am 5'3", so maybe that's where I'll find my new clothes. I look around the department and do not see anything. Something on the floor caught my eye and I looked down and lo and behold, there were the clothes rack. I got down on my knees and started looking at the selection. After finding a pair of jeans, I go to the fitting room and try them on. Why do they look like shorts on me? Maybe I'm not petite, I decide.
Directory, here I come again. The last option is the "Juniors" department. Juniors? Aren't they kids? I don't want to shop in the kids department! I am a woman! Or at least I thought I was before I arrived at the mall. I guess I'll try it, what do I have to lose? As I'm looking through the clothes, I see a size I didn't think was possible, 00. Are you kidding me here? I pull the pants off the rack and see that the only way to fit into them is to have the bottom half of my body removed and replaced with a set of chopsticks. Depression sets in, I decide to leave. Who needs clothes when there are more important things in life, like trying to figure out exactly what I am?